Let's Have Fun on the Internet

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfectWahhhh, I don’t wanna

So, for what it’s worth, I’m about ¾ of the way through the rewrite of the Kevin and Marigold story. It’s going pretty quickly, but it’s also a pretty short story. It’s going to be shorter than the Daisuke story I posted a year ago, and I prefer it that way.

That’s not everything I have to say, but it’s everything I have to say that I’m comfortable talking about right now. I’m afraid things have been very stressful lately with a lot of things going on that are still not wrapped up, and I have a general policy of trying not to discuss things that are still in progress.

Honestly, I have a general policy of not discussing most things at all.

Second Draft finished, Third Draft starts August 21

So, the plan.

My most recent writing class just ended. Wrapped up a few weeks ago, in fact. I’ve spent the last three or four weeks just reading books on writing and editing that were suggested to me by my tutor.

They’re not bad books. I’d say they might even be decent books. There’s a reason he suggested them.

So, last year, between my First Draft course and my Second Draft course, which I just finished, I rewrote the short story about my old samurai Daisuke and his daughter Mikoto. This year, I was hoping to really hunker down and write the prequel to that story, that is, the story of how Daisuke became a hero who saved the world and what that cost him.

But I only have until August 21 to write something, so I’m going to work on something else, instead. I’d like to take the story I wrote two and a half years ago, the one about a young couple named Kevin and Marigold, and rewrite that one. Take it from a ten thousand word “novelette” and turn it into maybe a twenty thousand word novella. Or however long it winds up being. Who cares! It’ll be what it’ll be.

I think that story is begging me to rewrite it. It’s a total one-off. No sequel is ever going to happen. Neither is a prequel. It’s a story about the tumultuous first six months of a relationship between two young people who are struggling to come to terms with the fact that they’re adults now, and what their lives are going to wind up being for the next sixty years, and how to deal with each other. Then it skips ahead six months to show that they’re still together at the one-year anniversary mark. It’s nice. It’s a nice, sweet story, with very little conflict in it. I’d like to add a bit more to it.

I’ve written at length about what I’d like to add to it. Now is as good a time as any to actually really sit down and do that. So I’ll try doing that.

Hopefully I get it done by August 21. That’s all I can say. Hopefully I get it done. There’s a lot of words to write, and the only way I’ll get it done is one word at a time, same as anything else I’ve ever written.

Off I go.

ratralsis writing

Sudden Vulnerability

Today I want to talk about one of my favorite features in stories: surprise vulnerability.

Vulnerability, in this case, means a character revealing a weakness or insecurity in themselves that another character can, if they so choose, use to utterly destroy the first one.

For example, person A (“Alice”) and person B (“Bob”) are talking, and suddenly, out of nowhere, Alice reveals that she’s long had deep romantic feelings for Bob. It’s weird, right? Maybe it’s something that we, as bystanders, already knew. Maybe Alice was the main character of this story the whole time.

But the point is, Bob now has a choice: he can hurt Alice or not. And we don’t want him to hurt her, so we cheer for the idea of him not hurting her.

I’m going to give two examples. Neither is long, or complex, and both are from fairly popular franchises that had installments in 2017 and got sequels this year.

Example 1.

In Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, there’s a famous line where Yondu shouts “I’m Mary Poppins, y'all!” It’s been memed to death. It’s very funny. It’s a great line.

What led up to that line? And no, I don’t mean the story about how it wasn’t originally in the script (https://screenrant.com/guardians-galaxy-2-yondu-mary-poppins-line-origin/). I mean the actual dialogue from the movie:

“You look like Mary Poppins.”
“Is he cool?”
“Hell yeah, he’s co
ol.”

When Yondu asks, “Is he cool?” What he’s asking isn’t “Is Mary Poppins a cool person?” What he’s asking is, “Am I a cool person?”

What he’s saying is, “Son, I want you to think I’m cool. I want you to tell me that I’m cool.”

What Peter realizes in that moment is “My dad cares what I think about him. I have an opportunity here to hurt his feelings. To absolutely devastate him. Or I can make him happy. I can make him feel cool.”

What’s happened here is that Yondu has suddenly shown vulnerability. He’s made it clear to Peter that he has an ego, and it’s fragile, and he worries about what his son thinks of him. He wants to be cool in the eyes of the man he raised. That matters to him.

So when he says “I’m Mary Poppins, y'all!” What he’s saying is “My son thinks I’m cool!”

It’s a great moment, and it works because it’s a funny joke, and because everyone was on board with Yondu being vulnerable in that moment.

It’s easy, when you’re a kid, to view your parents as “adults,” which are totally separate from you and your kid peers. But they aren’t. They’re just kids who grew up. Adults care about how they’re seen. Not in the same ways, that’s for sure. But they care. Yondu cares. He loves his son, even if he was never great at showing it. And, as he floats down with his Mary-Poppins-like wand in hand, he wants to know that his son loves him, too. He gets that confirmation, and it makes him so proud that he shouts it to everyone. “My son loves me, y'all.”

Example 2.

In The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, when you defeat the final story boss, the giant monster made out of pure dark energy using a magical Deus Ex Machina Bow that Zelda herself beams down into your hands (it’s bad; it’s a bad boss fight, and I hate it), she appears before you for the first time in the game.

If you’ve been a good player, you’ve seen her in flashbacks. You’ve heard her speak to you telepathically. You’ve slowly regained your memories of how you met her. How you saved her life, back before you were the you are now. How you kept her safe while everyone around her died due to her weakness, and how that devastated her. How you, before you were the you controlled by you, and her, a hundred years before she was the her she is now, became close.

You’ve remembered who you were, and who she was, and now, a century later, which passed by for you like it was nothing and for her like it was a hundred years, she stands before you. She’s everything you hoped she would be. She’s a hundred and seventeen years old. The Seventh Sage, the leader of them all, with the Triforce of Wisdom. She held back the Calamity Ganon for 85% of her life, and now she can walk around again.

And she congratulates you on what you’ve done. She tells you what you, the player, want to hear, as her theme, Zelda’s Lullaby, plays in the background. It’s boilerplate. It’s standard. It’s powerful and official and regal.

“I’ve been keeping watch over you all this time. I’ve witnessed your struggles to return to us, as well as your trials in battle. I always thought, no, I always believed, that you would find a way to defeat Ganon. I never lost faith in you over these many years. Thank you, Link, the Hero of Hyrule.”

Then the music cuts out. It’s done. She’s done. She’s been the Sage who held back the Calamity for so long, but all of a sudden she’s just a seventeen-year-old girl again, looking at a boy she likes, and she’s afraid, and hopeful, and she needs to know something.

“May I ask… Do you really remember me?”

She’s the strongest woman in the world, and she’s vulnerable, right then. All of a sudden, none of what happened in the last hundred years matters except that Link lost his memory, and Zelda didn’t, and she wants to know that he’s regained it and that he knows who she is and who he was and who they were together, back before Link was you. She wants to know that, now that she can walk around and be a girl again, a literal child, that there’s someone left in the world who cares about her as much as she cares about them.

Because, if not, what was it all for?

Saving the kingdom? Of course. That’s her duty as the Sage. That’s what she needed to do. But what she wanted to do, what kept her going, was thinking about seeing her sworn knight and protector once more. Now, here he is, and she isn’t sure if he’s the same guy or not.

I’ve written about moments like these before. I wrote about a couple in my Death Stranding essay from a few years back. I won’t repeat it here, but I didn’t emphasize it in the same way. Maybe it hadn’t really clicked for me yet.

Characters need to be vulnerable for me to care about them. I don’t want to give examples of characters who are never vulnerable, though I can think of a few.

A lot of movies try to make characters who are vulnerable for a few seconds at a time so we’ll care about them. I don’t care about that kind of thing, at least, not for the purposes of what I’m writing here.

I wanted to come up with two examples of a character very suddenly revealing vulnerability in a way that is deliberately shocking.

You don’t have to share more with me. I think I’ve made the point I wanted to make, which is that it’s pretty goddamn cool when stories do this kind of thing. It’s a good thing to do in a story.

ratralsis writingtext postlong post

I already know the next thing I want to write here… I probably shouldn’t call my shot like this, but here I am.

The thing is, today really got away from me. I need to get caught up on my reading for the night, and I won’t have time to read and then also write. I have to pick. I’m splitting the difference by writing this.

Hopefully I’ll have another essay up tomorrow about writing where I give some dumb examples that are nonetheless extremely poignant to me.

I guess they spoil a movie and a video game that are both from 2017, so, sorry if that’s gonna bother you.

Okay. I really have to read now.

More is more

I’m spending the next three months reading about writing. I was hoping to spend it writing. I’d still like to spend some of it writing.

Truthfully, a fair bit will be spent playing Zelda. I’m weak like that. I’m going to limit myself. I have to. Otherwise, I’ll spend all day and night playing that game. It’s a compelling game.

I don’t know if it’s a good game or not yet. But it’s compelling, that’s for damn sure. I do think that fusing items to your weapons is awfully tedious, though. I honestly don’t find that nearly as enjoyable as I think I’m supposed to. Maybe I will like it more later, once I start plumbing the depths and finding non-decayed weapons and so forth.

I could, and likely will, write an entire post about how I think the fetishization of the Master Sword has become a problem that I don’t think the series has figured out how to handle. But that’s for another time.

I’ve been reading about writing.

I understand most of the ideas in the books. What I need are examples. One of my favorites is this one from “Techniques of the Selling Writer:”


Here’s an example from a student manuscript: “The girl, in spite of her confusion and the hazard offered by the razor-edged shards of glass from the shattered window, somehow broke free.”

Girl is the subject in the above sentence; broke the verb. Yet they’re separated by twenty words of modification, and the separation renders the sentence distracting and confusing.

Is the separation needed? Or could our reader perhaps survive a different version: “Confusion seemed to overwhelm her in that moment. The razor-edged shards of glass from the shattered window offered an added hazard. Yet somehow, the girl broke free.”


Fuck, I love that example. Break down that sentence! Show me what’s wrong with that sentence, word daddy! I crave those sweet, sweet lessons! I need them!

I’ve gotten pretty good at writing stuff like this, this thing that you’re reading here, over the last twenty-one years. That’s how long ago it was when I first took up the name “Ratralsis” and began writing under it, on a site called “Conniving Pete” that hasn’t existed in many years and never paid me a dime for anything I wrote.

I don’t mind mentioning the name of the site, because you’d have to do a lot of work to find anything I wrote there. The site’s gone! Good luck! It might be doable! I used to be able to do it! Haven’t tried in a while!

I’ve been reading about writing fiction.

I want to get good at writing fiction. I don’t want to take a reader by the hand and gently guide him through my world. I want to grab the reader by the collar and drag them, kicking and screaming, through it. I want them to hate how much they want to know what’s going to happen next. I want them to hang on every word, wishing they already had answers to the questions I’m making them ask me, questions I’m not even asking, I’m just implying.

And I think that the worst lesson I’ve learned is that “less is more.”

The idea is sound. It makes sense on paper, which is, incidentally, where I also want my stories to go. I wrote about it at length in my 14,000-word essay on Death Stranding, where I said this about Kojima’s writing style:


…Kojima’s work is not a shoe with a narrow heel or a broad heel. It is a steamroller. It is gigantic and broad to the point of absurdity, but it is so heavy and so powerful that it will crush your entire body into a smear on the pavement if it rolls over you. It’s the difference between stabbing someone with a knife or stabbing them with a baseball bat: the knife, having a narrower point, is going to penetrate their body more easily. Kojima stabs with a high-powered cannon. The projectile is bigger, blunter, and heavier than either, but its sheer power makes up for it.

Less is more? No, says Kojima. More is more. Think about it. It just makes sense. This, I believe, is the great lesson that Kojima wished to impart with his game Death Stranding.


That’s, and I’m being serious here, the way that I want to write. And I’ve been reading Discworld, as I’ve said, and I recently read a passage from my favorite standalone novel, The Last Unicorn, by Peter S. Beagle:


“I dreamed about her last night,” he said.

Molly cried, “So did I!” and Schmendrick opened his mouth, and then closed it again.

King Lír said hoarsely, “By our friendship, I beg you—tell me what she said to you.” His hands gripped one hand each of theirs, and his clutch was cold and painful.

Schmendrick gave him a weak smile. “My lord, I so rarely remember my dreams. It seems to me that we spoke solemnly of silly things, as one does—grave nonsense, empty and evanescent—” The king let go of his hand and turned his half-mad gaze on Molly Grue.

“I’ll never tell,” she said, a little frightened, but flushing oddly. “I remember, but I’ll never tell anyone, if I die for it—not even you, my lord.” She was not looking at him as she spoke, but at Schmendrick.

King Lír let her hand fall as well, and he swung himself into the saddle so fiercely that his horse reared up across the sunrise, bugling like a stag. But Lír kept his seat and glared down at Molly and Schmendrick with a face so grim and scored and sunken that he might well have been king as long as Haggard before him.

“She said nothing to me,” he whispered. “Do you understand? She said nothing to me, nothing at all.”

Then his face softened, as even King Haggard’s face had gone a little gentle when he watched the unicorns in the sea. For that moment he was again the young prince who had liked to sit with Molly in the scullery. He said, “She looked at me. In my dream, she looked at me and never spoke.”

He rode away without good-by, and they watched after him until the hills hid him: a straight, sad horseman, going home to be king. Molly said at last, “Oh, the poor man. Poor Lír.”

“He has not fared so badly,” the magician answered. “Great heroes need great sorrows and burdens, or half their greatness goes unnoticed. It is all part of the fairy tale.” But his voice was a little doubtful, and he laid his arm softly around Molly’s shoulders. “It cannot be an ill fortune to have loved a unicorn,” he said. “Surely it must be the dearest luck of all, though the hardest earned.”


This is one of my favorite passages, and here is another, because FUCK IT, THAT’S FUCKING WHY, MORE IS MORE:


Schmendrick must have carried her for a time, because she was definitely not walking and his green eyes were ringing in her head. “That’s right. Nothing but magic matters to me. I would round up unicorns for Haggard myself if it would heighten my power by half a hair. It’s true. I have no preferences and no loyalties. I have only magic.” His voice was hard and sad.

“Really?” she asked, rocking dreamily in her terror, watching the brightness flowing by. “That’s awful.” She was very impressed. “Are you really like that?”

“No,” he said, then or later. “No, it’s not true. How could I be like that, and still have all these troubles?” Then he said, “Molly, you have to walk now. He’s there. He’s there.”


These passages, long as the first one is and nonsensical as the second one is, are perfect examples of my love of “more is more” and when it’s appropriate to “tell, don’t show.”

“A straight, sad horseman, going home to be king.”

“Oh, the poor man. Poor Lír.”

“His voice was a little doubtful, and he laid his arm softly around Molly’s shoulders.”

“That’s right.[…]It’s true.[…]No, it’s not true.”

Sometimes, you have to tell the reader things. Important things. Things they can’t be trusted to deduce on their own. To piece together like detectives. Sometimes, the reader needs to put on their deerhunter cap and put their pipe in their mouth and raise their magnifying glass to their eye and examine the text for clues, but that is not the way I ever want to write and it is not the kind of thing that I ever want to read.

Spell it out for me.

Here is a passage from Discworld’s eleventh book, Reaper Man, another of the Death books:


And it suddenly dawned on the late Windle Poons that there was no such thing as somebody else’s problem, and that just when you thought the world had pushed you aside it turned out to be full of strangeness. He knew from experience that the living never found out half of what was really happening, because they were too busy being the living. The onlooker sees most of the game, he told himself.


And another:


BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL YOU’VE GOT, said Death.


So.

What do I do with this dark and secret knowledge? The idea that it’s okay to say things outright? That if what you’re saying is worth something, then it’s worth saying it?

I guess I’ll have to say things, too.

I need to learn how to write like that. To hit hard.

Sometimes you have to use adverbs, even though you shouldn’t use adverbs. You shouldn’t say that “he laid his arm softly around Molly’s shoulders” like that, what are you DOING, Beagle? He can place his arm around her shoulders the way you’d place a priceless antique onto a silken pillow, maybe. That way the reader knows he’s doing it softly without you going and saying he does it “softly.” Drop those “-ly” words, you fool!

Or… don’t, actually. Keep it. It’s perfect the way it is, and no other word than “softly” will work as well.

Use a metaphor! Use an image! Describe the man as something the reader can understand, not as a “straight, sad horseman,” Beagle! What are you THINKING, just coming out and throwing a string of adjectives at me like that? You stupid, stupid man!

Or… leave it just like that. No metaphor is necessary. Hitting us with adjectives like that is, in fact, hitting us. It’s swinging a baseball bat directly into our skulls, hammering home the truth of the moment: a man is sad that the woman he loves is gone forever and she left him without even saying goodbye, though she could have. Though she did say goodbye to Molly and to Schmendrick, and neither of them can help him. He is a straight, sad horseman. He is strong. He is a hero. He is injured. He will never feel the love of that unicorn ever again, and he knows it, and that is the saddest thing.

Even calling it “the saddest thing” is bad writing, isn’t it? Shouldn’t I use some flowery metaphor? “It will hurt him more than any physical injury,” perhaps?

No. It is the saddest thing. The hero’s reward at the end of The Last Unicorn is that he goes home to be king, and to be the saddest man.

Windle Poons’s reward (yes, that is the name of the main character of the secondary plot of Reaper Man, who, I would argue, is the main character of Reaper Man) is to die. But he dies well, doesn’t he?


And, with great relief, and general optimism, and a feeling that on the whole everything could have been much worse, Windle Poons died.


A 130-year-old wizard who needed to fail to die and return to life as a zombie to learn that, in this life, we’re all we’ve got. And he learned it, and then he died.

What do I do with this? What do I say in my story?

That’s the question.

For one thing, I think I need to get over any foolish notions of “less is more” and “show, don’t tell.” There’s a time and a place for those things. There is. There absolutely is. Here is a passage, the opening passage, from “The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters” by Nick Smith (aka ulillillia):


Knuckles glides north 1500 feet above Lake Sakakawea at 800 mph following Highway 83. A small thunderstorm is somewhat visible to the south. The sky is 3/8 scattered with cirrus clouds and 1/8 scattered with altostratus clouds. The wind is 15 mph with gusts to 20 mph. A few small patches of snow in ditches, some with water, are visible but hard to see due to the speed. A 40-second pause in speech occurs while credits display on screen.

Knuckles resembles a human, but with differences. Knuckles is neither male nor female, though referred to as a “he”. Three-quarter-inch-thick dark-violet-colored (FFA000E0) fur covers his entire body. He is only 25 1/3 inches tall, 4 inches wide, and 2.5 inches deep. Knuckles gets his name from his large hands, 40% bigger than a human his size would have. A reflective, glittery, greenish (FFA0FF00) haze a half millimeter across borders his pupil. Knuckles has no nose and a mouth 2/3 as big. Every other aspect of his is that of what a human would have for his size. For details on the numerical colors (in parentheses), see appendix 5.


I will never, and I emphasize this as strongly as I can, NEVER say a single bad word about ulillillia. That man deserves nothing but kindness and respect.

But his writing? By his own admission: not great. The man is not a fiction writer. At the time he wrote this book, he wasn’t much of a fiction reader. So he wrote the way he wanted things to be written. With extreme detail. It wasn’t enough to tell us that Knuckles was a bit over two feet tall. He needed to know his precise dimensions. ALL of them.

That’s too far for me, I think. There’s a happy medium between Hemingway and Nick Smith, I think.

But I’d like to do more of my main character’s inner thoughts in the third draft of my novel. I’d like to reference the physical descriptions of him and of the other characters more than I do now. Talk about the architecture of the buildings they see in the towns that they visit. The food that they eat. That kind of thing. I think it can be done.

If nothing else, I think I learned from Wyrd Sisters that I can hammer home the idea that Katia, the main heroine and an orc woman and a veteran of a major war from ten years before the story takes place, is big and muscular and has blue-gray skin with orange eyes and numerous disfiguring scars. Yet, by the end of the book, our hero William still thinks she is as beautiful as she considers herself to be, and he is right. She is. When he confesses his love to her and hugs her close to him, he rests his head under her chin, because she’s so much taller than him. He feels her familiar warmth and smells the smell of her leather armor and her sweat, because she’s not exactly showering every day and putting on perfume. When she smiles at him, her tusks glint in the light, and she has a stump for a left ear from where half of it was torn off in a fight.

But that doesn’t matter.

As for him, he doesn’t have as many obvious physical characteristics I can point out, but he’s still a wiry guy who wears a lot of furs that he acquired himself the hard way, and he carries around a massively heavy backpack with things like a tightly-rolled up canvas tent, a bedroll, and a cooking pot so that they can sleep at night in relative comfort. He also has his longbow and his broadsword and his knife, and he looks like a patchwork packmule on two legs with all of his burdens. He slowly grows a beard over the course of the story and he hates how it itches. His eyes dart around a lot, and he stalks instead of walks, out of habit. He stammers and pauses mid-sentence to gather his thoughts because he’s spent the last ten years living by himself in the middle of the woods and has gotten worse at talking to other people. Yet, by the end of the story, he’s a hero who’s willing to put his life on the line to protect someone else, a thing that he was never willing to do before then. He was well-known for his self-preservation skills. They’re how he managed to self-preserve for so long.

Are they the same? No, not really. But they’re what I’ve got, for now, at least.

These are just some thoughts.

I’ll keep on reading. I don’t know what else I can do.

ratralsis writingtext post

Spring Cleaning

A couple of weeks back, I spent a week helping my dad clear out a lot of old things from his garage. I took a week off of work and spent four days of my week off driving the hour to his place to help out, then driving back in the evening.

I had to take that week off because my sister had decided she’d take the week before that off to help him with the same thing. She also wound up giving him four days.

Between the two of us, and our eight days, we filled four dumpsters with things to throw away. That’s what happens when your mom is a hoarder. She dies, and leaves behind four dumpsters worth of trash that needs to be thrown away, one box, one thing, at a time.

The stuff my sister threw out was partly her own. She’d needed to clear out a storage unit years earlier and left its contents at my parents’ house, which is now just my dad’s house, and, after so many years had passed, she no longer wanted to keep most of it, and threw it out, instead. She might have wanted to keep it if she’d been able to go through it right away, or a year later, or even two years later, but it wasn’t an option. She’d moved far away, and didn’t get along with my mom. So she didn’t get to go through her own stuff until close to twenty years after she first stashed it away.

She also threw away a lot of just, like, straight up garbage. I think that something like a third of the first dumpster was filled with empty cat litter containers. Big empty buckets. A lot of air. It was a waste of space. So it goes.

By the time I got there, it was time to focus on the garage and only the garage. A lot of it, I’d say 75%, probably, of what I saw, was my mom’s. The other 25% was stuff that had, at one point, belonged to me, or my dad, or my sister, and which had been stored in the garage without us remembering it. Maybe we never knew to begin with.

I found several dozen old issues of Nintendo Power down there. That was exciting. I’m really glad to have found those. I kind of missed them. I was a Nintendo Power subscriber for as long as I can remember, and have issues all the way back from probably 5 or 6 or so. The oldest issues are missing covers, and some issues are completely missing. I was very, very young, and I was given these magazines and left to do with them as I wished. You can’t give a four-year-old boy a magazine and expect him to carefully store it away. I didn’t carefully store them away. They wound up strewn about my room. I only cared about the latest issue at any given time for a lot of years. It wasn’t until I was probably ten or eleven or so that I started really trying to track down all my old issues and got them straightened up and together. I took those boxes home with me.

We found our old Christmas tree down there. We found a second Christmas tree, too. Artificial ones, obviously.

It was heartbreaking. There were so many things down there that I could still remember, and the sheer amount of it was overwhelming. I spent about eight hours each day at my dad’s house, probably six hours of those eight working. About twenty-four hours just hauling things out of the basement, often using a wheelbarrow, and into the dumpster right outside.

Marie Kondo got famous for saying that you could throw things away by thanking them for having brightened your life and having fulfilled some nice purpose, and now it was time to say goodbye to them, and that’d make you feel better. There was no time for that. I didn’t have time to say goodbye to each of the stuffed animals in the multiple bags and boxes of them that I found, many of them stained with mouse urine because they’d been left in an infested garage for close to thirty years.

Every cardboard box that was touching the floor of the garage had had its bottom rot away from years of exposure to wet weather and cold weather and hot weather. Many, if not most, of the plastic bags and cardboard boxes had been home to mice at some point. They stank, and they had shredded cardboard and mouse droppings in them. It was disgusting. I wore a K95 mask while I worked and the smells still turned my stomach.

Those were the worst. The boxes of old memories. Nothing in that garage was there by accident, of course. It was all there because someone had put it there. Old toys. Old tax documents. Many, many boxes of old paperback books. Hundreds of pounds of clothes, some of them, miraculously, still in good enough condition that we bagged them back up so my dad could donate them to the local Goodwill.

We found boxes and boxes of old glassware. Mason jars and lids for home canning. My mom had gone through a phase where she wanted to make jars of tomato sauce out of tomatoes from our home garden. She’d buy half a dozen jars, or however many came in one box, and bring them home. Then she’d maybe fill one or two of the jars and leave the rest in the basement. Then she’d do that again.

We found a lot of jars with labels like “9/21/92” on them and tomato sauce inside. Tomato sauce that was over thirty years old. One broke when I threw it into the dumpster. It smelled like tomato sauce.

Some of the jars didn’t have dates on them, but they were filled with black liquid and a single white lumpy mass. I was very careful to be sure that none of them broke when I placed them gently into the dumpster.

We found piles of supplies that my dad had stockpiled for Y2K. Maybe you don’t remember that, but we were all pretty scared of the world coming to an end on January 1, 2000.

Before I threw them away, I opened a bag of twenty-four-year-old Double-Stuf Oreos and slid a sleeve towards my mouth, not trusting my hands to be clean enough to dare touch them. The three or four I got into my mouth were stale, but they didn’t make me sick. I threw the rest away. I’m glad I had the chance to eat those old Oreos. I haven’t eaten Oreos in years. It will be a good memory for me.

We found a glass pig. You can find photos of one just like it at https://www.ebay.com/itm/134414488397 if you want to see it. I think that’s exactly the same pig. Apparently, it was worth $250. It went into the dumpster, too.

I have no idea how much money we threw away. A lot, I’d wager. The glass pig was still sealed in its box, original staples and all, and we had to throw it out. There wasn’t time to sort through all of the things my mom had bought years and years ago and never opened. We found an Easy Bake Oven from the 80’s, still in its original box, and threw that out, too. Who knows what that might have been worth?

Boxes and boxes of other glasses, too. “Water goblets,” they were labeled. Nice ones. But what were we going to do? We didn’t have the time or energy to sell everything on eBay. We wanted it all gone. It was just a waste. My mom had spent God only knows how much money collecting all of these things and storing them in the basement. All for no reason. None. She just bought things and stored them.

I had the thought, as we stacked the last things into the second dumpster and still had a small pile of trash left in the garage, that we could have gone through once every couple of years and filled a quarter of a dumpster, instead. And that would still be an incredible amount of garbage to generate. Just imagine it. She had thirty years to generate that kind of trash. Divide it by sixteen. Every two years, a quarter of a dumpster, instead. Call it “Spring Cleaning.” Have a garage sale to get rid of the old clothes and the five-gallon glass pig.

She hadn’t set up that artificial Christmas tree for over a decade, but she refused to let my dad throw it out. I think she had the second tree because the first one was starting to fall apart a bit, so the second one was bought for when we threw out the first. But she never threw out the first. The second was never once set up. It was thrown away without ever having been taken out of its box, too.

That’s what was so hard about it. All the things, these good ideas she’d had, these sweet thoughts and kind notions, that had been bad ideas generated by her sick mind. Wastes of money. Wastes of space. Things she should have never bought, but she did, and she kept them.

When she was dying, when we were clearing out her bedroom to prepare it for home hospice care, she insisted on being there when I cleared off her old computer desk. We found things like manuals for printers she no longer owned, and she handed them to me and told me to make sure to box them up. I got angry with her and demanded to know if she really thought she was going to want to keep them. She insisted she would go through them later.

She was dead less than a month later. She never went through a single one of those boxes we packed up from her room. We threw them all away, instead.

That’s how a lot of those stories went. She bought something. She kept it for the rest of her life. We threw it away.

She left us a colossal mess. Bigger than I can describe. It was a two-car garage, filled from floor to ceiling, literally, with stuff that my dad and I had to go through and sort and, mostly, throw away.

I threw away an old crib. An old mattress for a child’s bed. Who was she keeping those for? Were they precious memories of when my sister and I were babies? Did she need to keep them around to remember that we used to be babies? I didn’t. I threw them away.

Countless cans of meat, vegetables, and sauces that had begun to rust. Just enough that some animal or another had gotten a hole gnawed into them and emptied them out. Many boxes were ruined by the liquid from those cans seeping down into them. The smell was unbearable. Why all those cans? Some of them, I’m sure, were Y2K preparations, but a lot of them were definitely things my mother had bought.

Old homework assignments from when I was a child. Old comics that I had drawn in class and stored away in notebooks.

When I was eight years old, I created my first two comic book characters. A classic straight man and idiot. Little more than stick figures, but I insisted that they were, in fact, more than stick figures. I only ever drew them from the side. One was tall and more serious. The other was short and drawn in a deliberately shaky hand. I remember very clearly telling my parents when I drew them that I hoped to keep them so that, when I was an old man, and had forgotten ever drawing them, I could read them again and get a laugh out of them.

I found individual pages of a couple of those old comics, page 3 of 5 or whatever. Totally disconnected from the plot. Three panels on a page. I have no idea what the story was supposed to be. I threw them away with everything else. I’ll never find them as an old man and get a laugh out of them.

I remember a few of them still. They weren’t very good. I’m not missing out.

I found a box with half a dozen small plastic containers of motor oil on the bottom of a stack of boxes. A couple had broken, and motor oil spilled onto my pants and shoes when I lifted the box. The garage floor is permanently stained there, even after all the scraping and sweeping I did to clean it off.

I found a box that leaked pink powder, and got that on me, too, on a different day. That powder turned out to be Sevin Dust, an insecticide. I was glad I wore my mask.

The Sevin Dust washed out of my clothes. The motor oil did not. I had to wash those pants multiple times with a lot of Oxiclean added to the washer to get them smelling remotely alright again.

We had to scrape and sweep each new section of floor as we removed the boxes. We filled multiple 33-gallon garbage bags with debris, shredded paper, broken glass, and mouse droppings. We used a snow shovel at first, then moved on to using a regular broom and dustpan once we’d gotten all the really big chunks taken care of.

I guess it’s a little misleading to say we “filled” the garbage bags. We filled them until they were heavy enough that we feared they would tear. In terms of volume, each one probably only had 10 or 15 gallons worth of crumbly bits in them.

And so, so many memories. Puzzles and games from my earliest childhood that had been packed into boxes labeled “MISC” or “FROM BASEMENT” in my mother’s handwriting. Old casette tapes that couldn’t possibly still work. Old Cub Scout badges. Old souvenirs from museum trips and a trip to some Disney park or another when I was so young that the only thing I remember is getting heat stroke and spending most of the trip in the hotel.

All just…thrown away. Things that could have had a second life if they’d been sold in a garage sale or given away. Instead, they became trash. A couple of old TVs. Maybe some collector, some fanatic for ancient CRT technology (we’re talking 70’s or early 80’s at the newest) would have wanted them. Instead they wound up in a dumpster on its way to the landfill.

When I was in high school, I tried to secretly fill a black garbage bag with some things from the living room that I knew my mom wouldn’t miss, and I brought it to the bottom of our driveway to be picked up with the rest of the garbage. She saw it down there and dragged it back up and insisted that the things in it were absolutely not trash. One thing I remember was an old cooler that she said was “very effective!” I asked her when was the last time we used a cooler for anything. When did we last go to the beach? To a picnic? The cooler didn’t even have a lid.

I threw away a couple of coolers from our garage.

My shrink told me to write this. I’d told him that the worst part about throwing all of that stuff away was that there wasn’t time to mourn any of it. No time to consider the loss of all those things. These objects that had been important enough to my mother that she filled the house and the garage with them, made the place uninhabitable. made it so shameful that I wasn’t allowed to have friends over anymore by the time I was 13 years old. It screwed me up for life, living in a hoarder house like that, and now I was throwing away things whose fault it wasn’t. Things like the Christmas tree, or my old comics, or the glass pig.

He told me that he doesn’t give a lot of homework, but that maybe writing about it would help. Write out my eulogy for all those things. Mourn them that way.

I don’t know if it helped, but I’m feeling more emotional now, having written this over the last hour, than I did when I threw it away, so it accomplished something, at least. So there’s that.

I can’t forgive my mom for doing this to her family. She inflicted this upon us, without caring.

When she was sick, I sent her the first draft of the book I’m writing now. Well, that’s not quite true. I sent her the novella version of it. I was still writing the first draft when she died, but I’d sent her the first few sections. She told me that she had trouble reading it on her computer screen by that point. I promised her that, when it was done, I’d read the whole thing to her.

I still will. Once it’s done, in another year or two, and I’m finished writing about all the adventures of the main characters, I’m going to go sit outside on my patio and I’m going to read the whole thing out loud, start to finish. If she wants to listen in, she can.

I won’t go to her grave to read it. She told me before she died that she wouldn’t be there. So it’s on her to find me.

And then I’ll be done with her. That will end my obligations to her. She died eighteen months ago and her family is still literally cleaning up after her. I can’t let go of that anger. I don’t even really want to.

She told me once that you have to forgive people. She’d forgiven her mother for all the abuse she’d inflicted, after all. I told my mom that I had not. I had not forgiven her mother for abusing my mother, even though, by then, my grandmother was dead and buried. Well, now my mother is also dead, and I haven’t forgiven her, either. Maybe I’m just a naturally angry person.

But how can I forgive her? It’s not like she apologized for any of it. Now she can’t.

And the more I learn about her, after her death, the more things there are that I can’t forgive.

This was a terrible thing to write. I guess I’m just a terrible person, deep down, at least a little bit. So it goes. We all contain multitudes, I suppose.

ratralsis writing

Discworld, Book 6: some thoughts

I’ve recently started working my way through the 41 Discworld novels again. I’ve read them all before at least once, but it’s been a long time, and I really enjoy Terry Pratchett’s writing style.

Today I’d like to talk a little bit about Book 6, Wyrd Sisters. It’s a complicated story, but I’ll try to keep it brief.

It’s also a very easy read, and I would strongly suggest you find a way to read it yourself. If nothing else, I suppose there’s nothing stopping me from uploading my collection of .cbr files of all the Discworld books somewhere.

In theory, Wyrd Sisters is the second in what is often called the Witches series, or the Granny Weatherwax books, because they all feature witches, and Granny Weatherwax is one. Most folks call her Granny, but her name, her real name, is Esmerelda. Though witches don’t have leaders and don’t rank themselves in terms of power, “Granny Weatherwax was the most highly-regarded of the leaders they didn’t have.”

The first book, which was the third, Equal Rites, is theoretically the first of the Granny Weatherwax books, and is often listed as such when listing Discworld books. I’ll do so myself, even, because it’s technically correct. The problem is that I don’t think Equal Rites means much in the grand scheme of things, as far as the Discworld series goes. The events of it don’t matter much. They almost become non-canonical as the books roll on. Equal Rites sees the first female student enroll at Unseen University in the largest city of the Disc, Ankh-Morpork, and she isn’t mentioned again for dozens of books, at which point she appears briefly in a scene that affects nothing at all.

I think it is fairly safe to skip the first three books in the series, honestly, but I didn’t, and I won’t, going forward, either. But they don’t mean much, really, and it isn’t until the fourth book that Pratchett really finds his footing in Discworld. Book five is something of a return to the themes and subjects of the first two books, though done a bit better, and book six is the one I’m talking about today.

Granny Weatherwax is possibly the best character in Discworld. She is not, however, my favorite. To be honest, I don’t even think she’s the main character of this book, though she’s often given top billing. This is hardly surprising; she’s the best character.

In the opening scene, Granny Weatherwax uses her powers of headology (the art of manipulating people, essentially) to avoid being killed by a soldier from out of town who doesn’t understand that he ought to respect witches. She does this by looking over the soldier’s shoulder at another soldier, a local boy, and saying “Then strike, man. If your heart tells you, strike as hard as you dare.” The soldier about to kill her believes she is talking to him. She is not. She is speaking to the one behind him, who stabs the first soldier in the back and saves Granny’s life.

That’s Granny Weatherwax’s power as a witch. She very rarely uses actual magic, though she can. She convinces people to do and to think and to feel the way she wants them to, and makes the world a better place for it. If she didn’t, then, well, she probably wouldn’t be the most highly-regarded of the leaders the witches didn’t have.

That opening scene also introduces the two other members of Weatherwax’s coven: Nanny Ogg and Magrat Garlick. Granny, Nanny, and Magrat make up the crone, mother, and maiden trio that pops up a lot in this kind of story, respectively. The coven was Magrat’s idea, as Magrat is a newly-minted witch now that her teacher, Goodie Whemper, has passed on. She’s inexperienced, barely knows what she is doing, and is trying her best to earn Granny’s respect, which she never really will.

I would argue that Magrat is more the main character of the book than Granny is.

Magrat is not pretty. This is made abundantly clear very early on. We’re given this description of her early on, for example:


The best you could say for Magrat was that she was decently plain and well-scrubbed and as flat-chested as an ironing board with a couple of peas on it, even if her head was too well stuffed with fancies.


Later, we read this description of her hair:


It is one of the few unbendable rules of magic that its practitioners cannot change their own appearance for any length of time. Their bodies develop a kind of morphic inertia and gradually return to their original shape. But Magrat tried. Every morning her hair was long, thick and blond, but by the evening it had always returned to its normal worried frizz. To ameliorate the effect she had tried to plait violets and cowslips in it. The result was not all she had hoped. It gave the impression that a window box had fallen on her head.


These kinds of things are repeated ad nauseam, culminating in this lengthy description of her suiting up for the rather important task of rescuing the imprisoned Nanny Ogg from the villain of the story:


She’d dug out a startlingly green dress that was designed to be both revealing and clinging, and would have been if Magrat had anything to display or cling to, so she’d shoved a couple of rolled-up stockings down the front in an effort to make good the more obvious deficiencies. She had also tried a spell on her hair, but it was naturally magic-resistant and already the natural shape was beginning to assert itself (a dandelion clock at about 2 p.m.).

Magrat had also tried makeup. This wasn’t an unqualified success. She didn’t have much practice. She was beginning to wonder if she’d overdone the eyeshadow.

Her neck, fingers and arms between them carried enough silverware to make a full-sized dinner service, and over everything she had thrown a black cloak lined with red silk.

In a certain light and from a carefully chosen angle, Magrat was not unattractive. Whether any of these preparations did anything for her is debatable, but they did mean that a thin veneer of confidence overlaid her trembling heart.

She drew herself up and turned this way and that. The clusters of amulets, magical jewelry and occult bangles on various parts of her body jingled together; any enemy wouldn’t only have to be blind to fail to notice that a witch was approaching, he’d have to be deaf as well.


However, we aren’t even halfway through the book at this point. There are many more insults for Magrat left to go:


The guard looked at her occult bangles, her lined cloak, her trembling hands and her face. The face was particularly worrying. Magrat had used a lot of powder to make her face pale and interesting. It combined with the lavishly applied mascara to give the guard the impression that he was looking at two flies that had crashed into a sugar bowl. He found his fingers wanted to make a sign to ward off the evil eyeshadow.

Magrat pushed her way through the actors and clasped him to what could charitably be called her bosom.

He became aware of someone else looking at him, their gaze playing across his face like a blowlamp on a lolly. He looked up. It was the third witch, the young…the youngest one, with the intense expression and the hedgerow hairstyle.


We are made to understand, dozens of times over throughout the course of the book, that Magrat is simply not an attractive woman.

And yet.

And yet, she is absolutely beautiful to one man in the story, who falls in love with her, who eventually marries her in a later book: the Fool.

Perhaps you’ve seen this line elsewhere:


“Come hither, Fool.”

The Fool jingled miserably across the floor.


That’s from this book. That’s this Fool. The one who is cleverer than he appears, who winds up rising far above his given station as Fool, who becomes a hero, and, in a later book, marries Magrat.


“Are you really a witch?” he said. “They said you were a witch, are you really? You don’t look like a witch, you look very, that is…” He blushed. “Not like a, you know, crone at all, but absolutely beautiful…” His voice trailed into silence…

The Fool had been edging along the log. “If I kiss you,” he added carefully, “do I turn into a frog?”

Magrat looked down at her feet again. They shuffled themselves under her dress, embarrassed at all this attention.

[…]“We shall have to see,” she said.

It was destined to be the most impressive kiss in the history of foreplay.


And, towards the end of the book, after she’s “clasped him to what could charitably be called her bosom:”


“Are you dead or not?” she said.

“I must be,” said the Fool, his voice slightly muffled. “I think I’m in paradise.


And we believe him. We know that what he’s saying is true. He sees Magrat and all her flaws, all the ones we’ve been repeatedly told about, to the point where we understand very well that she’s plain and has a boyish figure (at one point, when she’s backstage at a play, someone believes her to be a man in drag and tells her that she needs to stuff her clothes with more padding to pass as a woman) and she has bad hair and bad makeup and ridiculous jewelry, and he sees her as beautiful and desirable and he is absolutely, undeniably correct, and we know that to be the truth.

It’s a skill Terry Pratchett has: he can write heroes who have so many flaws that they can’t possibly be heroes, or even considered heroic, and yet they are. He does it anyway. It’s as though he was setting up challenges and obstacles and hurdles for himself to clear, hoping to drag us as readers along with him, and off we go, dragged along, believing for all the world that Magrat Garlick is, in fact, not just gorgeous but also a powerful witch and in complete control of every situation. It isn’t true, yet it is.

It’s a quote that’s been cited a million times from Wyrd Sisters, and I’ll cite it again:


Granny had never had much time for words. They were so insubstantial. Now she wished that she had found the time. Words were indeed insubstantial. They were as soft as water, but they were also as powerful as water and now they were rushing over the audience, eroding the levees of veracity, and carrying away the past.


I say all of this because, of course, it’s the trick I most want to learn from Terry Pratchett. I want to keep reading his stuff, studying and dissecting it, killing the frog, as it were, to learn more about it, until I understand it well enough to create a pale imitation of what he’s been able to manage.

The main characters of my stories are deeply flawed. They aren’t heroic, either. Can I make them into heroes anyway? I certainly hope so. Can I write a story in which the main character marries an orc woman taller than he is, with a network of battle scars and a handshake that could crush walnuts, and convince the reader that she is also beautiful? That’s what I’m going to try very hard to do, at least.

The trouble, of course, is that Terry Pratchett was one of the greatest writers around. What I’m doing is very much like someone who wants to learn kung fu going and watching every Bruce Lee movie, slowing down the footage and practicing Jeet Kune Do in front of a mirror and a screen, then thinking to themselves, “Yes, I think I can choreograph a fight scene now.”

At best, they’ll wind up like the Star Wars kid, flailing around and looking absurd. That’s what I’ll wind up becoming.

Which is, of course, why I’ve spent the last two and a half years taking writing classes, and why I’ll continue to do so for at least another two years. I just wrapped up the “Second Draft” course, meaning that the second draft of my novel is now complete. The “Third Draft” courses are longer, and they don’t even start until October.

So I have plenty of time to read before then, I suppose.

I’ll keep you posted.

I don’t know if it would be worthwhile for me to write more about Discworld as I reread it, but if anybody’s curious for my thoughts, I do have quite a few. For one thing, I don’t think that Wyrd Sisters is alone in lying to the reader about who the main character is. I mentioned that the fourth book is the first one where Pratchett gets a grip on what it is that Discworld is going to be. That book is Mort, and though it begins and ends with a boy named Mort, and we watch him grow and change and learn things throughout the story, I honestly don’t believe him to be the main character of the book. I think that Death, the anthropomorphic personifcation of death, the Grim Reaper, the man who hires Mort as an apprentice and teaches him the craft of ushering souls into the next life, is the real main character of Mort. Death is the one who learns and grows the most over the course of the story. He’s the one who makes hard decisions and fights a difficult battle in the climax. You might think it’s Mort who fights the difficult battle: after all, it’s a duel between himself and Death. But Death is the one who really puts it all on the line.

After all, the worst that can happen to Mort is that he dies. The worst that can happen to Death is that he has to live with killing Mort. Dying is easy. Living is hard. Sometimes, it’s the hardest thing there is, even when you’re Death. Especially then, because he knows just how much of it he’s going to have to do.

Maybe that’s all I have to say about Mort, though. I’ll think about it.

ratralsis writinglong posttext post

I was kind of gearing up to write another lengthy essay on a topic, but I don’t have much to say about it after all, I think, so I’ll maybe make it a bit shorter than my last couple.

Not that it matters much. My last one, about Chrono Trigger’s Frog and why I think he’s pretty great, didn’t even get the one mystery like that some of my posts get.

Man! You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but it’s still rough when I post things online and it seems like nobody at all is reading them.

Anyway.

Resident Evil 4’s remake was just released. You hear about this one? Imagine me swaying side to side and looking around a crowded room and holding a microphone as I say this. You hear about this? Resident Evil 4? Can you believe it? Game ain’t that old, right? Came out only a few years ago, yeah? Only EIGHTEEN GODDAMN YEARS AGO.

Well, anyway. I didn’t play it right away… I probably played it in 2006 or so. So it’s really only been maybe seventeen years since I played it.

I wanted to say this one thing about it, though: I honestly, really and truly, no joking, believed Leon S. Kennedy was gay when I first played through it.

I played the hell out of that game. Like, cleared it probably a dozen times. Really enjoyed it. And every time, I couldn’t help but notice that Leon never showed even a hint of physical or romantic attraction to Ashley, Ada, or Hunnigan. But once Luis showed up? Sparks, man. Sparks. Leon was into that dude. Leon was SAD when Luis died.

Spoiler, I guess? Sorry.

Even in the ending, Ashley suggests that Leon come back to her place for some “overtime,” and Leon just laughs it off, and I thought, watching it, “Yeah, obviously. He’s not interested in women.”

It wasn’t until a few years later that I found out he wasn’t gay. He was just, I guess, trying to be professional. Which, cool! Nothing wrong with that.

But the thing is, it was genuinely mind-opening to me that here was this main character in a survival horror game, right? This strong male lead, who was skilled with guns and knives, who was athletic and capable, who would spout cheesy one-liners and make us groan with his dumb jokes and also blow up giant monsters with rocket launchers, and also, he just happened to be gay. There was no contradiction there! I’d just NEVER SEEN IT.

But for a while there, I thought I had, and I thought it was pretty cool and great that somebody out there was willing to acknowledge that it was possible.

I’m sure there are games out there that feature gay male main characters who are cool zombie-killing badass action heroes, but I can’t think of any. They aren’t big-budget AAA games. They don’t get remade eighteen years later.

That’s really all I had to say on the subject.

I told you it’d be short.

ratralsis writingtext post

Mine name

The thing about writing is, I have no idea how to do it, but I know sometimes I’ll find something that, despite being absurd, works.

Today’s piece is another example of that. I’ve shared a few others. This is just one more.

Have you ever played Chrono Trigger on the SNES? Don’t bother answering. It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna tell this story either way.

There’s a moment in the game, where this dude, this tiny frog man:

image

Shouts at a mountain, “Mine name is Glenn!”

At least, he does that in the original English version. In the original Japanese version, which is even more original, he says “我が名はグレン!”, which just means “My name is Glenn,” but it’s kind of old-fashioned talk. Because, you see, his name is Glenn. Except, up to this point, he’s only called himself Frog to you and the rest of the playable characters.

You meet Frog fairly early on. He appears out of nowhere when you’re infiltrating a church full of monsters on a mission to rescue the kidnapped queen. I’m not gonna explain more than this, so either play the game, or don’t. Either way, as a wise man once said, “If you can’t keep up, don’t step up.”

Frog is a swordsman, as you might have guessed from that ridiculous picture of him by Akira Toriyama earlier. You know, the dude who did Dragonball. Or… does Dragonball? I guess he still does Dragonball. He also does Dragon Quest, which is way better, but I’m probably the only dude around who thinks that, so I tend to keep that opinion to myself. Anyway, as a swordsman, Frog is just as good, if not better, than your main character Crono, who is also a swordsman of a slightly different variety. Crono uses a katana, and Frog uses a broadsword. One is a curved sword with only one sharp side. The other is a straight sword with two sharp sides.

There might be swords out there in the world with three or more sharp sides, but I don’t really like to think about those.

There are, of course, swords out there with no sharp sides at all, only sharp points. Those are called “edgeless swords,” and they really do exist, primarily for dueling, because they’re still pointy on the end.

Swords with really long handles and short blades that are pointy are often called “spears.”

Anyway, enough talk about swords. This is about Frog, by which I mean Glenn. Because we learn, as we play the game, that Frog wasn’t always a little frog man. He used to be a little regular man. Actually, a pretty normal-sized regular man. A regular regular man, if you will. He was friends with a great knight, named Cyrus, who was a really big regular man. Cyrus was very strong and cool, while Glenn was average and extremely uncool. Glenn was the kind of guy who let the other kids beat the shit out of him when he was also a kid, because, as he put it, “it hurts to be hit,” and therefore he couldn’t bring himself to defend himself from the other kids. He didn’t want to hurt them.

Cyrus told Glenn in no uncertain terms that saying that meant that Glenn was simply too kind, or “soft,” in English. But Glenn didn’t change. He was soft up to the very end.

The very end being, of course, when Cyrus attacked a dude named Magus, or 魔王 in Japanese. 魔王 is, you SURELY know, just a generic title meaning “demon king,” and is part of the name of Bowser in Japan: 大魔王クッパ, or “Great Demon King Koopa.” See, Bowser adds that 大 to the front that means “big,” because he’s bigger than Magus is.

That is because Bowser is far stronger. Bowser is not in Chrono Trigger, but if he were, he would simply kill Magus with his fire breath and/or by pulling his arms and legs and head into his shell and spinning fast and crushing Magus to death with his body. Magus would not be able to handle that. Magus is pretty strong, but Bowser is far stronger.

Anyway, enough talk about Bowser. This is about Glenn, by which I mean Glenn’s horrible and embarrassing defeat at the hands of Magus. Because we learn, as we play the game, that when Cyrus attacked Magus, he lost spectacularly. Magus murdered Cyrus SUPER HARD, and Glenn, well, Glenn was also there, acting as Cyrus’s squire and/or little buddy. I’m not really sure what their relationship was. I think Glenn was trying to become a knight, but he was just too goddamn soft. He saw Magus kill Cyrus, and what did Glenn do? Well, it sure as hell wasn’t kill Magus right back, I can tell you that.

Instead, what Glenn did was get zapped with a big spell by Magus, and that spell turned regular-sized Glenn into a smaller version of himself who was also a frog. So he started calling himself Frog, but he also became a pretty good swordsman, and he even rescued the queen of the kingdom… TEN YEARS LATER.

Glenn spent ten goddamn years being Frog, living in a hole in the forest all by himself. A lonely existence. A miserable existence! But he did it, without complaint, because what else was he gonna do? Stop being a little frog man? Fuck no. He didn’t have the luxury to make a decision like that.

But then Crono comes along. Crono has learned a thing or two about Cyrus, and Magus, and how Magus is trying to summon a giant monster capable of destroying the world. And we know that this monster can destroy the world, because it does, 1399 years later, because, surprise surprise, Chrono Trigger is a time travel story, even though I haven’t mentioned that before and won’t mention it again.

So you might think, wait, if this thing destroys the world in 1399 years, doesn’t that mean we know Magus fucks up the summoning? And yeah, we do, but Crono doesn’t. At this point in the story, Crono thinks Magus created the thing here, and it destroys the world later. He doesn’t know that it already existed.

That doesn’t matter.

Forget all of it.

What matters is that Crono knows there’s a sword out there in the world, called the Grand Lion (Masamune in English), that Cyrus used to have. It was made of a special metal. Crono has the broken Grand Lion and a big enough hunk of that metal that he was able to bring it to the world’s greatest blacksmith, the man who originally forged it, and get it fixed up. And he also has the Hero’s Medal, which Cyrus used to wear, which Cyrus got by defeating a really big frog.

Don’t worry about the really big frog. He isn’t important. You’d think he is, given that there’s also a smaller Frog who used to be a man, but he isn’t. He’s just a big frog.

Crono hands over the Hero’s Medal and the Grand Lion to Frog and tells him, somehow, it’s not clear exactly how, because Crono is a silent protagonist, that he wants Frog to help fight Magus. And Frog, well, he doesn’t know what to do. He’s been beaten down by life. By ten years of living alone, in the forest, much the protagonist of the book I’m writing, because I don’t have a single original goddamn idea in my head.

But Frog knows that sometimes a man has to stand up for himself.

男はな、立ち向かって行かなきゃいけない時もあるんだぞ。
There are times when a man must stand and face the things that trouble him.

Those were Cyrus’s words to Glenn, years ago, and Glenn knows now that they are true. So, when Crono brings Frog to the mountain that blocks the path to Magus’s castle, Frog asks Crono for the Grand Lion.

Crono stabs it into the ground. Frog draws it. And he announces to nobody, and to the world, simultaneously:

“我が名はグレン!”
“Mine name is Glenn!”

And he swings the Grand Lion and cuts the mountain in half. He clears the way. He puts the sword away, and that’s that.

And God help me, it’s one of the greatest lines in any game I can think of, and it’s as simple as a man telling us his name. His real name. Not the name he’s been using for ten years. Not the shame he’s borne for the last decade. He’s done being ashamed. He’s done running. He’s done hiding. He’s Glenn. And he always was, even if he forgot for a while. Even if the world forgot for a while.

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Welp, that was miserable

My blog was terminated for a little over two weeks because I tripped some kind of spam auto-detection filter.

It was probably my AC blog, @megatownac, not this one, because I hadn’t posted on this one in over three weeks, and my most recent post was just a stupid joke about how I think it would be funny to see Mario as a cannibal.

A lot’s happened, though. I went to Las Vegas for AWS re:Invent 2022, a big expo for, well, AWS. That’s Amazon Web Services, because that scrappy little online bookstore now also owns and operates the world’s largest cloud service provider, which even the federal government uses. If ever there was a company that was too big to fail, I’d say that one qualifies.

It was alright. I’m glad I went. I got to check Vegas off of my bucket list, and it was on there, don’t think it wasn’t. I’ve gone there now, though, and I don’t feel like going again. It was huge and loud and bright and overwhelming, just like you’d imagine. For a mildly autistic dude like me, it was simply too much. I did zero drinking or gambling while I was in Vegas, but I did see David Copperfield perform live. That was fun.

I also got COVID during the trip and spent about a week recovering from both it and some other kind of disease, probably RSV. I say that I had two diseases at once because my dad, who picked me up from the airport, did not test positive for COVID but also went through a set of very similar symptoms as I did. Could be wrong. Could have just been COVID and he didn’t do the test correctly. Who knows.

My cat, Max, had surgery on December 15th that required sutures, and he managed to rip a couple of them out that night despite my putting a shirt on him specifically to stop him from doing that, which meant he had a hole in his side with exposed muscle underneath it that kept bleeding into the shirt. That was the case for about 14 hours or so, which is when I was able to get him to the vet again to replace the sutures with stitches which have held for the last three days. He also now wears a massive, pillow-like collar in addition to the shirt. He hates it. I feel sad for him. This will be the case until the 29th.

I’m still working on my book. I don’t have anything new to say about it.

That’s all the news. I’ve had this blog for over ten years, and it was deeply jarring and upsetting to have it taken away from me so quickly and suddenly like that. There was no warning or anything. It was just gone one day.

I’m afraid it may happen again. If it does, just remember that I’m Ratralsis everywhere I’ve thought of registering the name Ratralsis. Twitter, Hive, Mastodon, Twitch, Instagram, and who knows how many other places. I’m easy to find if you look for me.

Not that I expect anybody to look for me.

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After writing the Afterword last night, I went back and corrected some typos, added a few more headings (”Daisuke’s duel with his oldest brother,“ “Daisuke’s sword,” “Daisuke’s hat,” “Daisuke’s mask,” maybe another one), and added a paragraph to the end of “What’s up with all of Daisuke’s scars?” about how Daisuke re-scarring himself might be a plothole since he talks about all his scars in Six as though they were the original deal and not recreations on a new body.

Sorry if you already read it yesterday, anonymous note-leaver, but read it again if you want just that little bit of extra info.

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Afterword

(Table of Contents)

Well, nobody asked for this (or asked anything), but this blog is sort of a diary as well as a way that I can put thoughts out for others to read, so I’m still going to write this for myself.

I wrote that whole long story for myself, too, so that’s appropriate, right? Here are some thoughts on it.

Who are these characters, anyway?

Daisuke was originally from a pen & paper RPG I started playing with some friends back around 2005 or so. He made it to the second-highest level possible in the game before the guy running the game got too burned out on the campaign to continue it, so we all just sort of decided as a group what the ending was going to be, and he moved on to a different campaign.

Years passed, and, in another campaign he was doing, one in the modern day, I asked if I could play as Daisuke’s daughter from the previous campaign, reincarnated into the modern world along with her parents. None of them had any memories of their previous lives, but there were certain echoes of them in their backstories that my friend and I both found really amusing.

For example, in the original campaign, the party assassinated the emperor’s son based on intelligence gathered by the clan to which Daisuke and one other party member belonged (the other party members came from different clans). This was a mistake–the intelligence was faulty, and, though we had been given clues that it was, we didn’t follow up on those clues enough and went through with the assassination anyway. This led to a prolonged series of adventures where the party had to regain the empire’s trust enough to be allowed to live and continue their adventures.

Don’t worry about the imperial line: the emperor had lots of sons. This was just one of them. It was fine. Everything was fine.

So in the modern day, Daisuke, instead of the fourth son of a feudal lord, was the fourth son of the head of a major corporation, and instead of becoming a samurai, he became a national kendo champion. That is, until he accidentally broke the wrist of a young up-and-coming kendo star whose father was in charge of an even larger conglomerate than Daisuke’s own father, and who was known colloquially as the prince of kendo. For assassinating the prince like that, Daisuke was shamed into retiring from kendo, but he still gave his daughter private lessons. It was that kind of thing.

The campaign ended before it began for me. I came up with Mikoto’s name, stats, character sheet and backstory, but never got to play her. I moved away and went to college, instead.

Years passed, and I found myself running a campaign with some but not all of the friends from the original campaign. In that campaign, the party wanted to meet with the heads, or capital-K Kings, of different afterlife planes in order to seal the mortal world away from the interference of various deities who kept fucking things up for the mortals who just wanted to live their lives.

Which was a bummer for me, because I’d put a lot of time and effort into those various gods, but hey. It’s what the players wanted, and sometimes, as a GM, you have to accept that the players might not like the things you put into the game world. They wanted to play a bunch of humanists (though they weren’t all humans), and I was willing to let them.

I set things up so that there were nine distinct planes, one for each of the 9 basic alignments from old-school D&D: Lawful, Neutral, Chaotic on one axis, and Good, Neutral, and Evil on the other. Arrange them in a 3x3 grid, with Lawful Good in the upper-left corner and Chaotic Evil in the lower right.

As a rule, the four Kings in the corners (Lawful Good, Chaotic Good, Lawful Evil, Chaotic Evil) were more powerful than the ones in the middle of the four sides (Lawful Neutral, Neutral Good, Neutral Evil, Chaotic Neutral). However, the Neutral Neutral, or True Neutral, King was the most powerful of them all, was known as The Judge, and had oversight over all nine of the planes.

Daisuke, along with the friend mentioned in Sixteen, was one of the Kings of the Chaotic Neutral plane. It was the only plane with two Kings, because the two of them together were only as strong as one of the Kings of any other plane.

Daisuke never talked about the family he left behind when the family found him. He never even told them his name. He was the Red King. His friend was the Gold King. Those were the names they’d gone by for untold centuries in what they believed to be Hell, and they had no use for other names.

Still, the party needed to track down Daisuke’s body to bring him and the Gold King (I THINK his name was Kazuma, but the real-life player who played him actually had the surname King, and we usually called the character that even though the player was often absent) back to life as part of a larger plan. They only stayed alive briefly before returning to Hell. They knew better than to stick around.

More years passed.

I always thought of Daisuke as being almost sociopathic. He had so little attachment to his family. He’d taught his daughter out of obligation, died, gone to Hell, found his dead friend, and never given his wife and child a second thought.

In writing this story, I changed that. I changed it so that Daisuke was someone who went to Hell with a smile on his face and a song in his heart, because he knew that he and his daughter would see each other again.

And they did.

How did Daisuke originally die?

He was punched by a giant golem-like monster made of metal really, really hard, so hard that it knocked off nearly half of his max HP, and he was already injured enough that he went from alive to fully dead in one hit. Simple as that. Bad luck on a dice roll. He shouldn’t have entered that fight with such heavy injuries. That was my fault. A poor decision made by me.

What’s up with all of Daisuke’s scars?

Before I started playing with that group, I had an old AD&D book called Player’s Option: Combat & Tactics that was loaded with an absurd number of charts and tables that nobody in their right mind would ever find fun or worth using. One of the charts in it was on critical hits: instead of the usual damage multiplier, you could roll several more dice, consult a multi-page table, and determine where the critically hit creature was hit and what happened to it. For fun and no other reason, I asked the GM running the campaign if we could consult that table whenever Daisuke was critically hit to determine what kind of scar he’d get from the injury. One of the first scars he got was when an oni spit molten copper at him, and the table said that he was hit directly in the eye and blinded.

Since it was purely for funsies, Daisuke was not blinded, but he did get a scar on his face.

If he was ever magically healed back to full health, the injuries were fully healed, and he wouldn’t get a scar. I would get angry when that happened, and insist that Daisuke be allowed to heal naturally so that he’d get a scar. He got many scars. During one mission, he was poisoned so many times through various traps and weapons wielded by the enemies that the party encountered (who fucking LOVED poison) that every single one of his stats was damaged to the point where he had penalties on everything he did. The poison wasn’t ever purged from his body. The party’s healer, Daisuke’s future brother-in-law and Mikoto’s uncle, used his magic to restore Daisuke’s stats, but not to cure the poison. This led to Daisuke having a deathly pallor and gray eyes, because his sickly complexion was never cured.

The final scar on his character sheet, received when he was critically hit by that iron defender, landed on his stomach. I wrote “No Torso” on his character sheet to reflect the newest scar, and that was the end of that.

Daisuke was reincarnated, but the way reincarnation worked in that system was that someone else in the world “awakened” to the destiny carried by the deceased character and inherited their stats, meaning Daisuke got a new body to inhabit which belonged to one of his distant cousins. Normally, the deceased character’s spirit wouldn’t actually possess the new character, but Daisuke was again an exception to this. Daisuke never did get over the guilt caused by the fact that he basically piloted his cousin’s body for a year or so and led him to an early grave, because Daisuke wound up dying a second time.

Daisuke’s third shot at life was given to him by a necromancer that the party had encountered who was able to use some of Daisuke’s original genetic material to create a clone body for him, which his spirit inhabited.

You might think that a clone body wouldn’t have the scars that his original body had. You’d be right. Daisuke had to meticulously give himself all of those scars again. He had to pour molten copper onto his own face, poison himself, and so on, in order to maintain the lie that most of the world thought to be fact: that he had never died to begin with.

You might think that’d be pretty difficult, considering the variety of scars he had. You’d be right about that, too, but it’s best not to dwell on the details of how he gave himself bite marks on his leg or claw marks on one arm and chain marks on the other.

You might also think that people would have known something was up when he spent that year piloting his cousin’s body. You’d be wrong about that. Daisuke’s clan really did typically wear masks, and he also typically wore a helmet because he was a samurai, so very few people ever saw his face, and those few people still would have never seen both his face and his cousin’s face to be able to do a comparison and see that something was amiss.

As the Red King, Daisuke had all of the scars that he had at the time of his original death.

You might think that Daisuke was dishonest with Mikoto when he talked about his scars if those were recreations of his original scars and not the actual original scars. All I can say to that is that Daisuke obviously disagrees, and thinks that what he said was totally honest. He really did get those scars the way he said he did. He just also had to put them back onto his body after his entire body was replaced via necromancy, and didn’t think that part was important enough to include, despite his vow to Mikoto during their first lesson about how he’d never hide things from her or withhold the whole truth.

Sorry if that seems like a plothole!

Why did Daisuke go where he did when he died?

Per the rules of the original campaign in which Daisuke lived and died, those who lived lives of violence went to an afterlife of violence. It was described as an eternal battlefield where the damned souls would kill and be killed countless times until they’d worked off their karma and be allowed back into the big cosmic spinning wheel or whatever and reincarnated.

No matter what Daisuke did during his second and third attempts at life, he was going to go back to that Hell. He’d gotten his sentence, and the gods weren’t going to change it just because he mended his ways later.

What was the deal with the Gold King?

Kazuma, the Gold King, was the closest thing Daisuke had to a best friend.

The player, King, created Kazuma and then had to stop playing with us because of his job and other obligations, only returning to play the character a few more times across the two or three years that the campaign ran. So we came up with a lot of joke explanations for his character.

He was built around hitting hard: as hard as possible. He and Daisuke were both deadly, don’t misunderstand. But Daisuke was deadly in the way that a venomous snake or spider or scorpion is deadly. Kazuma was deadly the way that a charging bull or a lion is deadly. You should be careful around both, but, given the choice of which of them is going to be waiting for you in the next room, pick Daisuke. He’s not likely to kill you if you can keep an eye on him. Kazuma will kill you whether you’re paying attention or not.

Since King was rarely there, Kazuma never spoke. Since Kazuma’s weakest stat was linked to his character’s perception skill, and he had no other abilities to boost it, we joked that he wore a helmet that completely covered his eyes and ears to “give his opponents a fair chance.”

As the Gold King, this became a superpower of his. He could sense the locations of everything around him within a bubble of 120 or so feet with perfect accuracy, but that bubble was his entire universe. He couldn’t read minds or speak any languages, but he could understand people’s intentions perfectly.

That’s what led to some of the jokes in Sixteen in the story. He really did carry a heavier sword than Daisuke, and he really did wear a helmet that covered his eyes.

When Daisuke found him in Hell, the two teamed up and fought side by side until they ran the place. They imposed a small amount of order in the anarchy together, for as long as they were both there.

Daisuke’s hat

Daisuke’s wide hat is mentioned a couple of times. This is because he is worried about the sun and moon seeing him. They exist as physical representations of the gods, and the gods can literally see him through the sun and moon. Since he’s supposed to have died, he is worried that the sun or the moon might see him and strike him dead to correct the mistake.

He’s allowed to live, but the gods might forget, you know? He doesn’t want to risk it, so he never exposes his skin to the direct rays of the sun or the moon.

Daisuke’s mask

Daisuke’s mask is purely worn out of habit after Mikoto is born. He doesn’t need it. He just likes it.

Mikoto is grossed out by his face in Eight because he was gone for so much of her early life that she still isn’t used to it.

She wonders if he wears it to bed, the joke being that she wonders if her mom is willing to have sex with a guy whose face is that gross. She finds out two years later that he does wear a mask when he sleeps.

So… Does his wife make him wear it? No, of course not. She’s seen grosser people since she knows healing magic and had to heal a lot of injuries back when the world was under threat, for one. For another, it’s dark at night. She can’t see him. Third, she’s used to how her husband looks.

And if you think Daisuke’s unwilling to remove his mask to smooch his wife (or do other things), you’re a fool! He just feels more comfortable wearing a mask than he does not wearing one. But I still threw in the line in Ten because I thought it was funny to imagine Mikoto thinking that her mom made him wear it to bed after all.

What’s the story on Mikoto?

I mentioned before that there were no resurrections in the campaign where Daisuke was created. The rule was that you could be reincarnated as someone else, but that only lasted until your destiny was fulfilled. After that, you’d go back to being dead, and your new body’s original owner’s destiny would kick back in.

Daisuke didn’t like that. He wanted to cheat death. So he made a deal with the gods that his unfinished business wasn’t saving the world, it was raising a child to whom he could pass his ancestral sword.

Daisuke’s name, 大助, uses kanji that literally mean “big” and “help.” It’s a real name, and not a particularly unusual one. I chose the name Daisuke because it was the default name of the main character from an old dating sim called True Love, which was the oldest eroge I’d ever played at the time I created Daisuke, and I thought that it would be funny to name him that. I still do.

Mikoto’s name, 美琴, uses kanji that literally mean “beautiful” and, um, “koto,” a koto being a stringed instrument. This is nothing less than a triple pun, and I’ve been very proud of it for over ten years. First, it references the idea that she is an “instrument” of the gods, a tool that Daisuke is using to prolong his own life. Second, the first two syllables, “Miko,” is a reference to Shinto shrine maidens which are called Miko. Third, Miko, spelled just like the shrine maidens, 巫女, is also the name of the main character of La Blue Girl, an adult anime that I’ve actually never seen. I only know it from reputation. So Daisuke and Mikoto are both at least partially named after erotic animated characters from 1990′s Japan.

I am sorry if the answer disappoints you, but I have no regrets.

Why Daisuke is bitter about saving the world

Daisuke was twenty-two years old when the campaign began. He was one of several new characters joining the party, although the campaign had been going for a year or so before I started playing. The thing was, the party all died! It was a total party wipe! Only one character survived, a rogue (ninja) from the same clan as Daisuke. Daisuke volunteered to help that ninja, and became the second member of the second party that was going off to fight off a rather vague threat from a shadowy group that was hell-bent on destroying the empire and plunging the world into darkness and death and destruction and summoning demons and monsters to do it.

All of what Daisuke says in the story is true: he became a samurai to win his father’s respect and to gain glory and honor in battle for his clan. What he doesn’t talk about is that his clan was known throughout the empire for its underhandedness, its sneakiness, and its spycraft. Daisuke’s dad allowed Daisuke to become a samurai, and to go off on the adventure that he did, because it meant Daisuke became another pair of eyes and ears for his father to use to gain information for his own ends.

Daisuke was allowed to go because he was the right combination of useful, capable, and expendable. He did not know this. He thought that he was allowed to go because he was just that good, and that trusted. His oldest brother was a better warrior, but his oldest brother was not expendable, and not foolish enough to be used like Daisuke was used.

Daisuke never forgave his father for using him that way, and it didn’t really hurt him that much to throw away his family name. He was eager to do it. It was why he proposed so often to so many women, which was a thing that he really did do during the campaign.

He first proposed to Mikoto’s mother when he was twenty-three. I don’t know how old she was, but probably not far off from that age. Let’s assume she was also twenty-three. He then died for the first time and spent a year in his cousin’s body, but got his clone body back and the campaign ended when he was twenty-four. He immediately got married, got his wife pregnant, and Mikoto was born when he was twenty-five.

He was largely absent from Mikoto’s life until she was five years old. During the six years between the end of the campaign and Mikoto’s fifth birthday, Daisuke was still riding high on the reputation he’d earned as a hero. That reputation faded as time went by, but it was enough for a while that Mikoto still thought of him as a legendary hero.

In reality, Daisuke spent the first five years of his daughter’s life traveling around and studying under every sword master he could find so that he could prolong his life. He had to learn as much he could so that he could teach his daughter as much he could, and therefore not die. It was a cowardly move on his part.

In Twelve, Daisuke laughs at a joke that Mikoto doesn’t get about how he is sitting in a little boat with his daughter and never had a son. Daisuke was raised in a family where the patriarchal line was everything. A man’s duty to his family was to have sons to continue the family. Daisuke did not do this. He found that very funny, because it was, to him, a big “fuck you” to his own dad. A way he could slow down his dad’s legacy. He didn’t want to have a son who could look back at Daisuke’s dad and say “That’s my granddad, lord of his clan, what a hero, what a guy, I want to be like him.” That thought turned Daisuke’s stomach, and so, in having a daughter instead, one who would take that store-bought sword that he’d gotten from his dad, he defied his dad, and that was the best thing in the world.

Daisuke’s lies explained

When Mikoto is seven years old, Daisuke tells her that he is only going to teach her how to use a sword. He is specifically teaching her the way of his own clan. Two chapters later, he tells her, very seriously, that he is going to teach her how to slit the throats of people while they sleep or how to sneak up behind them and kill them without being heard.

This is because Daisuke has changed his mind, not because he was lying when she was seven. When she was seven, he really did just want to teach her kendo and iaijutsu. But as she got a little bit older, and started wanting to learn other ways of fighting on her own, he decided to branch out and start teaching her other things, too. He thought that it would make her stronger and more resilient. Instead, when she was ten, he realized that it made her paranoid and afraid to sleep at night. This was a major turning point for him.

When she turned down his offer to cuddle with him that night, he knew that his relationship with her was forever damaged. She would never again be his little girl, someone for him to comfort when she was scared. That broke his heart. He had fucked up at being a dad, and spent the next eight years doing his best to make up for it. To hear him tell it at the end of Eighteen, he failed, and almost went to his death filled with regret. The final conversation ends the way it does, and Daisuke dies without regrets after all.

Daisuke’s early life explained

The only thing I wanted to touch on here that is only briefly mentioned is the implication that Daisuke used to frequent brothels in Fifteen, when he says that a young man in his hometown could purchase the company of a woman for one night at a time, then cuts off Mikoto as she’s about to ask about that.

When Daisuke first became a samurai, one of his older brothers (not the oldest) took him to the biggest, fanciest, most famous brothel in the clan’s territory and paid the fee to get Daisuke a night to celebrate. That was how Daisuke lost his virginity.

His brother had an ulterior motive: he had blackmail material on his younger brother now. That’s the real reason for the brothels and drug dens being allowed to operate: Daisuke’s father, the lord of the clan, relied on the detailed records kept by those various businesses so that he could blackmail any visiting dignitaries or officials from other clans. Sex workers and drug dealers made good spies, so he let them operate on the condition that they all, if you worked your way up the chain enough, worked for him.

Daisuke didn’t consider it to be blackmail material at all, and taunted his older brother about it, saying to go ahead and tell everyone in the world that he’d just paid to get his little brother laid. It never bothered him.

Well, until he was forty years old, and his fifteen-year-old daughter was about to make him tell the story. Then he was suddenly quite embarrassed about the whole thing.

Daisuke’s swordsmanship

As a player character in the campaign he was originally from, Daisuke wasn’t really that spectacular of a swordsman. However, by the end of the campaign, he was at the second-highest level a mortal could reach, and nobody else alive at the time was at the highest level. Kazuma was already dead, the other party members were the same level as him, and he was the only one of them who was a samurai. One, a fighter, used a warhammer to fight, and could probably have given Daisuke a serious run for his money in a fair fight. But it meant Daisuke was the best swordsman in the world even then, even though he shouldn’t have been, and he knew it. There were stronger styles out there than his.

His style, from a rules perspective, started out with drawing his sword and using an iaijutsu attack as an opener to deal bonus damage. He could also do bonus damage to an opponent from behind or who was caught unawares, a technique unique to his clan that functions similarly to sneak attack or backstab techniques used by rogues in all kinds of games. He also had bonuses on attempts to disarm opponents, and, if he could disarm an opponent, got a bonus attack on them as though they were unaware, dealing extra damage. So his ideal fight was one where he would draw his sword, knock the opponent’s weapon out of their hands, and then cut them down with his next swing. It was vicious, and showy, and relied on brute strength.

He grew to hate it.

Daisuke’s duel with his oldest brother

Daisuke references the time he fought and defeated his older brother twice: once in Ten, and again in Thirteen. The first time, he says that he won by being smarter than his brother, and the second time, he says that he won by being sneaky and dishonorable.

Daisuke’s brother was the clan’s Champion, a title that gave him the right to wield a legendary sword that only the Champion was allowed to have. Daisuke wanted that title, though he didn’t really care much about the sword. He wound up having to give the sword back to his brother almost immediately, because he went on an adventure that would almost certainly kill him, and the sword could potentially be lost if that happened. The adventure did kill him. His sword, the one his father had given him, was not lost.

So what was the duel?

The duel was an iaijutsu contest: Daisuke and his brother stood facing each other, swords sheathed, and, like old West gunfighters, they had to draw and try to take the other out. They used wooden swords to reduce the chance of an accidental fatality.

Daisuke did nowhere near as much damage to his brother as his brother did to him, but that wasn’t a problem. Daisuke had written up a contract that his father and brother had both signed that said “Daisuke will face his brother for the right to be Champion.” Nowhere in the contract did it say that Daisuke had to win anything. It simply said that he had to face his brother and go through with the contest “for the right to be Champion.”

Nobody bought it. The other players at the table thought it was bullshit and sided with the GM against me when I pulled that shit, but I made my case and I argued that regardless of what was implied (”It was implied!”, the GM repeatedly said), the contract had been carefully worded. I’d gotten support from one of the other players who wasn’t there that night, sadly, a rules lawyer like none I’ve met before or since, but it wasn’t until a couple of weeks later that the GM relented. He never forgave me for it. Thought I’d thrown a fuss and was being a real whiner about it.

I never forgave him, either. The core concept of Daisuke’s clan was that the wording of a contract, the precise language used, was what mattered. They were honest only in the most technical sense. They constantly cheated people through unethically-worded contracts. I had done what his clan does, and the GM was punishing me for it.

But that’s how Daisuke became champion: he wrote a shitty contract, got his dad and brother to agree to it, then pitched a fit and basically held press conferences decrying his family and turning the people against them until they caved to external pressure. The citizens of the clan were being told that the lord wasn’t honoring a contract simply because he didn’t want to honor it. That would damage the lord’s reputation far more than losing a sword or having a fourth son be Champion.

Daisuke renounced his title of Champion when he got married and officially joined his wife’s clan. As I said before, he gave up the sword only a few weeks after getting it. He didn’t ever really care about the sword. He preferred his own.

Daisuke’s sword

A samurai in this game’s rule system started off with a set of “ancestral weapons,” specifically a katana and a wakizashi, which they could enhance as they leveled up all on their own, no external sources needed. They’d lock themselves in a room and pray over the swords and pour some of their own spirit (XP) into them, and they’d get stronger.

Daisuke did this with his katana, but never with his wakizashi. It wasn’t worth it. His wakizashi never comes up in the story because Daisuke never cared about it in the slightest, though he did own it, and presumably gave it to Mikoto.

His katana had three enhancements on it by the end of the campaign: it was holy, meaning it did bonus damage to evil creatures, it gave him one extra attack per round if he was using it, and a straight damage bonus. He called it his “angel blade,” and I’ll let you Google that one on your own if you’re curious what early 2000′s erotic anime that is.

It was too short for him. Daisuke was about six feet tall, taller than his three older brothers, and it was assumed he’d be their height. He had a scabbard made for the sword that was too long for it. The scabbard had a few inches of extra space at the end. That meant that when Daisuke drew the sword, he drew it faster than someone looking at it would expect him to. It didn’t give him any kind of bonuses, but I used that as an explanation for why he was as good at iaijutsu as he was.

At no point in the original campaign itself did he ever break it and reforge it. I made that up for the story. If you want, you can imagine that that happened during the years between when Mikoto was born and when he started teaching her. He absolutely replaced the handle, the hilt, and the scabbard, though. He needed to do that before the campaign even began, so that they’d fit his larger hands and height.

Mikoto ends the story at 5′10″, two inches shorter than her dad. Her mother was 4′11″. Mikoto was extremely tall for a woman in her clan.

In Kazuma’s clan, where the sword style was all strength, people reaching 6′0″ tall wasn’t that unusual. Nor was it that unusual where the fighter with the hammer was from. It was extremely rare where Daisuke was from, and where his wife was from. So the two of them stood out, but they weren’t the tallest people in the world.

Mikoto’s infiltration skills

Daisuke never learned how to pick locks. Mikoto did. How’d she manage that? One has to imagine that she found a teacher by asking her dad questions that he didn’t like, but very carefully.

What kind of lock do you have on the door to your study? A very good one. How good? The best money can buy. Can it be picked? By someone skilled enough, yes. Can you teach me? No, because I don’t know how to do it. Do you know anyone who would know? I don’t know if anyone I know is that good or not. Who do you know who’s the best at picking locks? That’d be the ninja I traveled with who was the sole survivor of the first group sent to save the world. Do you know how I can get in touch with him? No. Do you know anyone who would know? Yes. Who are they, and how do I get in touch with them?

From there, she was able to learn from that ninja, or someone like him. The fine details are not important.

As for why that ninja would teach a random teenage girl how to pick locks, that’s because she isn’t a random teenage girl. She’s the daughter of a man that ninja used to travel with. And that ninja, while not a villain who hated Daisuke, would have found it absolutely delightful to teach Daisuke’s daughter how to pick locks and break into places that her father didn’t want her to break into. He was that kind of a person. He would have taught her everything he knew if he thought it would piss Daisuke off.

Mikoto’s magic

I don’t like writing fine details about magic, or about magic systems, so I didn’t, and that’s possibly to the detriment of the story.

What you need to know is that Mikoto and her mother both had a limited number of spells that they knew and which they could cast in a given day, like in all kinds of roleplaying game systems. In 5th edition D&D, I would call Mikoto an Arcane Trickster who had levels in Rogue and Sorcerer. I’ve never actually played Mikoto in 5E, so take that with a grain of salt.

Levitation, invisibility, and a silence spell were the holy trinity of spells that we’d get our party’s main spellcaster, Mikoto’s uncle, to use on the ninja to make him all but unstoppably good at his job. Those are also spells that Mikoto made sure to learn. She does not know many others.

Her mother is a fire sorceress. Most of her spells are flashy and destructive. She had to win a number of battles to get her seat on the council. Mikoto would never win a battle like that.

Mikoto’s future

I’m afraid I don’t know what happens to Mikoto after Daisuke’s death, at least, not for a while.

I know that she traveled around the empire for several years, learning what she could of the various afterlives and trying to track down the one where her dad would have ended up.

I know that she wound up returning to her clan, her mother’s clan, at some point, and that she was able to use her various skills and her knowledge and her bloodline to get her mother’s seat on the council.

I don’t know if she ever had any children or got married. If you read Fifteen closely enough, you might wonder if she’s gay or bisexual. I don’t know, because, at the age of fifteen, Mikoto didn’t know. She knew she wanted to smooch her best friend, who was a girl, but also that she wanted to smooch the cute boys, too. Does that make her queer, or does that make her a hormonal teenage girl who is curious about smooching? I don’t know.

Whether she married or not, she died childless, having either not had any children or having outlived them, and her father’s sword was not passed on. She was buried with it. Daisuke would have found that hilarious.

She went to the Lawful Good afterlife that I described above and made up on my own. She went there because she spent many years working hard to rack up enough Lawful and Good deeds to get there, because she had a plan. She didn’t just want to enjoy being in Heaven: she wanted to work there. She got a job as a low-level bureaucrat, then worked her way up through the ranks until she was an administrative assistant to the Lawful Good King himself. Once there, she pulled strings and filed the paperwork which caused her, her mom, and Daisuke to be reincarnated into the modern-day world and the campaign that I never played.

Mikoto forced the gods to allow her and her father to meet again, and he got the chance to be a better father to her that time. He always knew she would, even though, once reincarnated, none of them knew that it had ever happened. She knew that would happen, but it was worth it.

Daisuke went to hell with a smile on his face, and he got another chance to be the dad he should have been.

That’s why I wrote the story, and it’s why I wrote nearly 5000 words, nearly a third as many as the story itself, explaining the story.

I’m very tired, and I wish this were easier.

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